Final Diary Report

Date of occurrence : 26-Feb-12

I had finally finished reading the entire Diary at http://mariasdiary.com/. I promptly advised Miss about the development as she had been eager to know the progress for the last couple of days. She wanted me to submit a full report on my thoughts, feelings and reactions to the diary. She said the initial report was good, but this time I should write in more detail.




Final report below

As you know I found the diary very exciting to read and through last week it has been a cause of constant arousal for me. It is a very polished and articulate bit of literature. I will not dwell too much on the issue of its authenticity. To do that would take away from what it has actually done to me over the course of last week, Regardless of whether Maria and her escapades are true to the letter, I think it makes for a great read and has ignited a flame to my so far dormant cuckold desires. It has also in some way given my cuckold fantasies a validation of sorts.

At different stages it invoked different feelings and emotions within me. At the forefront were no doubt excitement and of course arousal (lots of arousal). However, I also felt a bit of envy. I was very envious of Martin and how lucky he was to be married to such a beautiful, glamorous, sexy and intelligent Domina like Maria. Surprisingly, at times I also felt a bit of anger towards Maria for being unwarrantedly cruel in her humiliation of Martin and also her sense of entitlement. Yet, this also excited and aroused me.

The level of arousal was so intense that during the course of reading the diary I couldn’t help but masturbate to it. There were several occasions when I have totally lost control and involuntarily pushed myself over the edge and ejaculated. Even as I write this journal review, I feel incredibly aroused at the thought that you will soon have knowledge of my deepest desires; desires that I have previously undisclosed to anyone else.

I will highlight some key moments from the diary that sparked very strong reactions within me.

When Martin was first cuckolded

Maria called Martin on the phone so that he could live through the moment and not just hear about it as a narrative. Here is the dialogue that really blew me away

Extract from the blog

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"It's me," I said breathlessly. "It's okay, I'm at Matt's. I'm ringing because any second now he's going to penetrate me. I'm just about to be fucked by a gorgeous, huge prick."

.

.

"How does it feel, cuckold?" I taunted between breaths. "How does it feel to know a much bigger, better man has just given your wife a fucking that you'll never be able to give her? Has given her pleasure that you can't match? Has left her wanting more of the same in different positions, which is what we'll be doing over the next few hours? What's it like to be an inadequate loser?"

And then I clicked the 'off' button to kill the call.

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The beginning and the end of the conversation were just too overwhelming. For a cuckold, I think having to listen to his wife/girlfriend get fucked over the phone is far more exciting than if it were to happen in person. The humiliation that the cuckold feels is lessened in this situation. Not eliminated, but lessened. So this allows the cuckold to really experience the erotica of the situation without letting the humiliation take over. As Martin had instinctively dropped to his knees when he got the call, I too found myself vigorously masturbating in anticipation of the fucking Maria was going to get.

I kept my masturbation going as I read through the account of Maria’s fucking. The final bit of dialogue that I have highlighted above just took me over the edge. That was such a powerful delivery intended to pierce through whatever little ego Martin may have left within him. I lost all control at this stage and had a very intense orgasm and ejaculated all over my wooden floor boards.

When Martin first read the diary

When Maria first showed him the diary, there was a point where she highlighted the phone call of his cuckolding to Martin

Extract from the blog

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"Did I get that last bit right?" I asked. "Just there..." and I pointed to the paragraph where I'd quoted my last words before I killed the phone call.

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When I read that and the dialogue that followed, I had to go back to the original post of Martin’s first time cuckolding and read the phone conversation all over again. Needless to stay I had another powerful and uncontrollable orgasm as I did this. This particular moment creates the strongest of reactions within me. It is almost like having your virginity taken, only better…MUCH better.

Initiation of David the slave

Extract from the blog

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“You are going to be trained to become my slave, a plaything to amuse me, and I can assure you that is precisely how I will always view you, just as I do at this very moment. You are a toy that’s there to satisfy my sexual needs and urges, nothing more. It will be my aim to make you obsess about me, to think of me all of the time, but if I ever sense that such obsession is becoming dangerous or unhealthy then I’ll terminate your visits immediately. Am I being quite clear on this? Do you fully understand?”

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The initiation of David was another profound moment. Again the delivery of her instructions to David was unbelievably erotic and direct. It left no illusion about exactly what Maria thought of David. This is something I wished I had experienced when I was initiated by a Mistress I served in the past. I realise I should not hold this blog as a yardstick for real life experiences that I may encounter. If I did I would most likely never be satisfied with life. Nevertheless, I could not help but draw a comparison between my initiation and the one David experienced from Maria.

There is another reason this extract had an exceptional impact on me. I felt that if I could never experience what Martin has, I would still be over the moon just to be in David’s shoes. Of course I’d still rather be Martin, but if I had to settle for a compromise I would be more than happy to be David. However, I cannot see myself living like David long term. To be a long term cuckold sub I would first and foremost have to be in a deep and loving long term relationship that could also exist at a vanilla level.

Martin’s total acceptance of his cuckold status

Extract from the blog

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Martin endures jealousy, frustration and loneliness together with feelings of inferiority and shame, but he also knows full well that this is all part of the package of being a submissive cuckold. It's what he signed up for; it's what he wants. Those of you who think my husband will 'break' at some point don't get it at all. You completely fail to understand the submissive mind, and if anything Martin is a stronger and more satisfied individual than he was two and a half years ago because the threat of me leaving him has evaporated (and it was never there except in his mind). He doesn't ever want to turn the clock back – he adores having a slut wife. He revels in being married to an attractive woman who likes to dress up in fetish clothing and be fucked by big-cocked men. The jealousy and mental agony that goes with all that is something that feeds him, not destroys him.

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I highlighted this because this is the sort of security I would need to truly enjoy my status as a long term cuckold. Yes, it will hurt, it will totally me as a male, it will provoke incredible envy, humiliation and I would imagine, even a bit of rage. However, if I felt secure that she will never leave me for another, I would be able to channel all these negative feelings into positive feelings of immense arousal and admiration for her. Again, I realise Martin and Maria found this balance because they were already in a loving vanilla relationship. It would take someone special to have this kind of a bond with. I can only hope that some day, I find someone like that.

Also, outside the house if I were still respected for my achievements in life and career, I would automatically be more subservient to her.

Enforced Chastity

Extract from the blog

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I like to see my husband wanking at the drop of a hat when he sees me dressed up. I also like to know that while I'm spending time with Matt, Martin will be at home masturbating, usually constantly. It makes me feel like a sort of goddess, with her devotee giving his offering in the form of his sperm. Chastity devices are an impediment to this, although the one aspect that does very much appeal to me is the thought of that small silver key around my neck, and the attendant power and promise it holds.

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Most cuckold forums that I have frequented also talk a great deal about chastity. I found the lack of chastity in this diary a bit refreshing. In my mind the practice of locking a sub in chastity is merely symbolic. It does not in any way prevent a sub from having an orgasm and ejaculating (even in a locked state). You may recall from the journal post on my CM profile, that even though I was locked in a CB6000 I was able to achieve an orgasm on Day 8. Yes, the device in some way does make it difficult to achieve an orgasm but it does not eliminate it.

So a sub that wanted to steal an orgasm could do so whether he was locked up or not. In fact, I believe it is mentally a lot harder for a sub to be on the honour system and not cum until he is given permission. Imagine a sub that is free to play with his cock at will but is not allowed to orgasm. That is just mentally excruciating. The other reason I liked the lack of chastity and also Maria’s no objection stance to Martin having as many orgasms is that it allows the sub to channel the enormous frustrations of being a cuckold into positive feelings of arousal and release. This is something I touched upon a little earlier in this email as well.

The Ground Reality

Extract from the blog

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Forget the fantasy, think about the reality:

Do you really want to whipped until you beg me to stop? Do you really want to have to lick and kiss my thigh boots and suck my high heels, not for a few minutes, but for up to an hour, with me paying no interest in you whatsoever? Could you really wear a rubber penis hood for half a day, servicing me every couple of hours or so when the inclination takes me? And could you really tolerate watching me dress for sex for another man, going out and leaving you, then returning many hours later having been satisfied in ways that you could never match?

Think about this. Really think about this before you seriously decide that this is the life you want.

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After reading this, the reality of cuckolding really hits you in your face. It caused to me to do a lot of introspection and wonder if this is really what I want…Or are my cuckold desires best left where they are…i.e. in the realm of fantasy. I still do not have a decisive or correct answer. I do know this though, if I did not ever experience some form of cuckolding over my lifetime, I would deeply regret it.

Therefore, despite my strong and mostly positive reaction to the diary, I am still not ready to jump into the deep end of the cuckold lifestyle. However, I do feel ready to dip my toe in. You may ask what makes me feel ready now when I wasn’t a little over a week ago. Surely, it is not just the blog?...No, the blog is only a part of it. Having read the diary and the introductions to various men mentioned in the diary, I found myself wanting to trade places with Martin and no one else. That tells me that there is inside me a deep need to be cuckolded. I do not know to what level I want to be cuckolded (I suppose a cuckold doesn’t get much of choice in this matter does he?), but I definitely cannot fathom living it to the extent that Martin does. I suppose after over 5 years of constant cuckolding one learns to endure.

The other factor why I feel ready now is the fact I have opened up to someone (you) about my interest in cuckolding. You may recall that I have never discussed this with anyone else in the past. Having now spoken to someone real who has an interest in cuckolding the fantasy doesn’t seem so distant anymore. I am not suggesting that just because we exchanged a few words on the phone, I am all a sudden ready to be cuckolded. Far from it…it’s just that now I am able to give it a more serious thought and not just leave it in the realm of fantasy as I have done in the past. There are so many things that need to go right with a potential partner before I could even begin a journey into becoming a cuckold.

There were a number of other instances in the blog that caused immense arousal. However, I have only highlighted those that were the most thought provoking and not just sexually arousing.